Ratchet Recipes #1

The other day I got it in my head to make this stew. Dericious right!? So I started gathering ingredients around my house like some crazed hunter-gatherer only to make the startling discovery that I live in an Asian household. Asian households do not own things such as “caraway seeds.” I mean. Come on. So my ghetto ass decided that no recipe will ever hold me down. And so here’s what I did instead.

First off, the recipe calls for a cup of German-style lager of the Oktoberfest variety. This is what my ratchet self used instead:

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me.

I actually don’t suggest using this substitution. I mean the stew turned out quite tasty anyways. But I’m thinking..that maybe because the stew is actually called “Oktoberfest Lager Stew,” an Oktoberfest lager would be appropriate. Just sayin’.

Anyways, here’s most of the rest of the stuff:

Wait is that Chinese newspaper!?

Just in case you guys are wondering where in the world I’m making this concoction, let me just reemphasize that my family is very, very Asian. And so my parents are pretty nuts. They decided to cook on our patio because “we cook with way too much oil and we don’t want none of that business inside the house.” Yeah not about that life. Anyways, instead of caraway seeds (which I couldn’t even find even though I’ll admit I did not try very hard), I just used cumin seeds. I tried to grind them up with the back of a wood spoon. LOL. They flew everywhere. I was making it rain with cumin seeds in my house. #swag

Also, LEAVE YOUR PEELED POTATOES SUBMERGED IN COLD WATER OR ELSE THEY’LL TURN WEIRD COLORS. You have been warned.

So first you put them sausages in some olive oil. Hell yeahhhhhh.

Is it obvious I’m downing half a bottle of Cabernet while writing this post?

This smells absolutely divine. I mean who doesn’t enjoy the scent of sizzling meat? ;) Ew. I don’t even know what I was trying to imply with that.

Next you add onions and cabbage. And who doesn’t love those ingredients? Communists. No I’m kidding, I love that stuff.

Everyday we hustlin’

And then you add in all the other stuff and you simmer it. Let me just digress and talk a little bit about chopping onions. THAT SHIT CRAY. I mean I’m standing there wielding a very sharp knife sobbing my eyeballs out. Eyeliner running everywhere like I’m bringing back the goth days of middle school. I’m sniffling like I just watched an episode of Say Yes to the dress. I mean I haven’t cried that hard since I accidentally thought I lost my copy of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Harro onions, can you chill out for two seconds please?

Anyways, basically after the onions and cabbage, you add in the garlic and caraway seeds. Or in my case, cumin seeds because YOLO. I mean send my mail to the edge ’cause that’s where I’m living. That’s my status right thurr.

After that you simmer a little bit with your lager. DON’T BE GHETTO LIKE ME. Get real German-style lager. Please. Then you add in the potatoes and the chicken stock and you simmer dat creation until it’s all delicious. Add in some apple cider vinegar and parsley and you’re le done. The only reason I have apple cinder vinegar in my house is because they are miraculous at removing warts. So if you ever had a wart problem–use apple cider vinegar. You’ll thank me later. As for the parsley, well I dislike parsley so I said no and moved on with my life. So there you go. Finished product came out quite delicious if I may say so myself.

Twerk.

I mean just look at that bread. Stunning. Got that little beauty from Costco.

I did add some red chili flakes when I was cooking the sausage. I’m like a whore for spicy foods so I had to do it. I felt like it was a great idea. Anyways, there’s my ratchet cooking. How do I not have my own cooking show yet?

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